True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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