her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
