Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
