New low: just hacked my moms facebook
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
