Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
