OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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