i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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