I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
