Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I deserve this hangover.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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