I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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