i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
