i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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