My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
