My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
soo... how was my night?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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