I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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