halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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