better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
