ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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