Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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