Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
