last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i will never coherently bang her
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
