We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
