If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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