I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
