Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
