I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
