My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The power of my boobs compel you
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
