he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Ladies don't puke and tell
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
