apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
