your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
