also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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