Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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