I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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