I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
