Redeem this text for a blowjob
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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