dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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