You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
