all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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