I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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