quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Randomize
