I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
