dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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