She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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