Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
