I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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