If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
