I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
