Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize