I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
