I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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