my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
