need another drink. this is the easiest way
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Text me some of your sweat
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
