The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
