last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
