someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
