I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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