the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
