my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
