I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
