and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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