Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
