just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
