Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
