they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
