I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize